The Favorite Mistake

For you who tricked me,

Here are my last words for you and a story of a love game where you put me through.

For you who started this and opened doors for me to enter your life,

For you who gave butterflies for me to believe again in second chances,

For you who gave me sunshine to believe again in greater things,

Everything was a freaking mind game.

I was suddenly or almost at the horizon of believing to everything you want me to.

You were telling me promises, took me to places, and gave me hype of emotions I was too weak to manage. You reminded me that starting with an end in mind, is a way to look at a better perspective and that better things are ahead of us.

You were pulling me closer to you… so close I never expected I was on my way to getting lost. I was in that era of my life where I wanted to try new things and I started changing some things in my plans. The plans I created for myself alone when I was at the process of getting back from my previous pain. I never thought I will re-write my plans and include someone in it.

And you, you asked me to become part of yours too.

You brought me beautiful things I believed they were true. We were almost there, supposed to happen, and seemingly meant to bind for a fairy tale ending. I was starting to fall for everything that you said, everything you did, and every sacrifice you did for me. I can feel them completely and sincerely appreciate all of it. You promised to do your part and told me that all I have to do is trust.

Trust in the possibility of us.

We were eventually in the scene where everything around us was too hard to believe at first for they were the things we stopped believing before we met. We both loved too hard and suffered at the same time. We had our hearts torn into pieces by someone else. We both had a fragile heart and upon meeting each other, we were too careful with our emotions.

We pushed slowly and had each other’s pain to bring out stability. I was your port in the storm and you were my damsel in distress I guess.

Then that day came.

The day I never thought will be overpowered by the reality I thought was the same with my expectations. Everything was too vague.  I was supposedly ready to ask for clarity from you, from everything that’s happening and where will it lead us to finally reconcile all uncertainties that occurred from the very start. That day unexpectedly turned out to be a day of chaos. I was supposed to fall for you completely as what you seem to expect from me only if my expectations happened perfectly but you let me fell to frailty. You suddenly switched to a kind of person I was afraid to meet again. The person you promised you will never become. Or perhaps, that type is the person that’s purely you and maybe I was deceived by your masked personality all this time.

You left me dwelling with your awkward silence and unusual actions. I was clueless and totally surprised from your insensitivity. You chose not to fix and never compromised so what do you expect me to believe in now? Stay and keep the trust? Hold on and wait for something inevitable? How can I not be totally perplexed from all that is happening and not be puzzled by your inconsistency? You define my over thinking as a barrier to fulfill your own satisfaction. You perceived my over thinking as an irrational behavior without putting yourself into my shoes. Have you never noticed that there are a lot of issues between us that needs to be resolved? I will never buy your lame excuses of analyzing a real petty issue and let it destroy everything.

So there, I was abruptly struck by the reality of you and me.

In just a glimpse, I started seeing the other side of us and saw myself drowning with all the expectations you built in my mind and all the bullshit of promises you created inside my heart. Bits of my intuitions all fell into place and realized you were already dragging me down and that everything was a trap from the very start.

Everything happened so fast and ended too soon.

Like a boomerang, I threw away myself to you and now I started regaining my soul that wandered to your confused soul. I lost my way all the while to you and when I was already at the peak of knowing who you really are, I found all the way back to me.

But until the very end I tried discerning to who you really are and understand what we were.

Maybe I was too deep for you and you were too logical for me. Maybe you snapped and suddenly started searching for a greater perhaps and I was left blinded with settling with what I’ve seen and found in you. Maybe I was expecting too much from your uncertain moves. Maybe you still have a wrecked heart and disillusions. Maybe I was getting less from you and you getting more from me and planned to escape in the end. Or maybe you really tricked me and maybe this was all just a game.

You may consider you ditch me through silence but I already rejected you first. You quit this game and I was standing still.

I remained whole and not broken by you. I wasn’t over thinking all this time and now all my thoughts are all facts for you never gave justification and never became a participating attendee inside my head. You have to realize that what goes around comes back around. You will never stop the cycle of your own nightmares for you do not know how to commit a forgiving heart, a consistent mind, and a real man of your own words. I was tricked by your intentions.

I wrote this not for you to enlighten our little love story. I dedicate every word here to remind myself I was once too lame to figure out a dumb love game. I will measure my progress away from this phase you put me through and for sure, months or years from now, I will thank God for taking me away from someone like you and become grateful for the kind of life I will have the soonest. I was your secret playmate caged in your confused soul. I had a lot of new lessons from this extraordinary story and thank you for making me wiser.

As I am down with the last words for this prose, I am still exasperating from everything that turned out to be. I am annoyed with thoughts of you still figuring out what to do for us and perceive the idea that maybe soon we’ll still end up together, but that sucks now. I still have this mixed-up emotions yet I know I’ll be better or become the best version of myself from this. 

Defining something uncertain is a permanent solution that will keep your heart safe from obscurity.

If ever you had the chance to read this, you know who you really are and know exactly what you did from the very start. I will never be sorry for what I felt and what I realized for I have this extraordinary talent of over thinking. You agree right? And through my over thinking mind, to tell you, this is where I get my strength of seeing every situation at a larger perspective which others fail to perceive. I put wider possibilities and a longer patience to any situation for I am once weak with having closures to something that enchanted me.

Hope you find the gratification you keep on searching from people and the contentment you never possessed for you are stuck with a heart that needs healing and a mind full of confusion.

Drained.

Exhausted.

I was right then all along.

Our time and chance still happened but this is how it ends and I am more than thankful.


Written By: Hannah Dani