My Almost Perfect

There is always an underlying purpose beneath every decision. He left me and broke my heart but I am now embracing it for the better. Almost.

       

I felt it was the right time for me when I met him. The way he looked at me and smiled at me that night struck my heart whispering, "just try again".

At that moment, I know I am ready to love again. I have been to a struggling roller-coster ride of love stories before he came. It was that year when I asked for a sign and he seemed to be the answer. So I tried settling.

He felt he could love again that fast when he met me. He knew that there is a process to moving on but then still tried focusing on a person he just suddenly met. He was still too broken, careless and confused when I came. I seemed to be the answer for the sign he asked so he listened to his heart whispering, "just try again".

He initiated everything and I was too enchanted. He asked for my number and added me the following day on social media accounts, took me out consistently on weekends, and we talked and talked until our conversations became too deep.

Too deep that I slowly became blinded by the reality of this kind of attachment. 

I was supposed to ruminate everything from the start but too weak to manage my emotions. We had it with madness and from it, we hold on to uncertainties. I know he just got out from a relationship only a couple of weeks before he met me. It was an unfortunate timing but I still depended on him for he asked me to trust him that we'll work this out together.

We dated for almost a year hoping we are on the same phase working out things to progress from having a platonic attachment to a real relationship. Time, chances, and efforts were invested really hard. We were almost at the edge of obscurity but our situation turned sour that it slowly drained me.

I told myself several times to end this before he rejects me first, but then I was too frightened. I am ready, he was confused. I am starting to give my heart fully to him but I never thought he was taking it only to fill his broken heart. He was pulling me closer and taking me everywhere he wants me to while telling me beautiful lies of promises he thought I was begging to hear from him.

He asked me to stay with him through this journey and look forward for the future- a future together happily achieving our dreams and crossing out our life bucket lists.

I believed him. I felt it was real but then suddenly, he let me go. He let me go at that moment I thought everything will finally work out between us. He gave me a lot of reasons why he realized to end it but I couldn't absorb any of it. Until now.

Denial, anger, depression, and the rest of the cycle of moving on stumbled me for I was too confused why he did that.

We were almost there. Almost perfect.

It's been a month since he ended this and a year ago when we started this. Our story led me to a realization that an almost love story really demands a lot of courage. For us, we lost it. It took me a long time figuring things if our pieces will fit perfectly. He pulled me so close to madness and then pushed me away heartlessly. It was there all along, he was just too weak to admit it and baffled me since the beginning for he just really needs someone to be there with him.

I am now gradually moving on. I may be having a hard time seeing the good in every situation right now, but I keep on reminding myself that every loss is leading me to the right direction.

He wasn’t a mistake. He is a lesson.

I sometimes feel alone and lonely but I am preparing myself to embrace the beauty in detaching from anyone for I have to regain what was lost from my soul. I still re-evaluate every pain he gave me but trying hard to perceive every piece of it as a lesson I could share and take with me forever. I know this was as painful as letting go from a real relationship but not as worth it to dwell on for a longer time.

I need this time to make things right for myself. I was losing myself and maybe it was a perfect time to snap out to realization that I was becoming the person I don't want to become. I have faith that I'll soon rise again and meet someone who's ready and whole in God's perfect time.

A man that has a real plan. A man who sees my worth and values my time. A man who will love me unconditionally.

When that time arrives, I know I will never fear to try another shot for I can finally decipher what's real love from a lame attachment and just a perfect almost.

Love is not a game. You don’t invest in games, you compete.


Written By: Hannah Dani